Jiko Tamae Taishite Warai

I guess I only have myself to blame but I still end up blaming others for why Im feeling this way.
I could name twenty things that I need to do and need to do NOW and maybe thats why I end up sitting around suppressing them so I can get everything straight. I tried the priority list, important things still get pushed to the bottom; things that will make me smile get pushed to the top.
Thats my problem.
I only  want to smile, I dont want to stress, get lonely, feel sad, feel burdened, feel useless, sluggish, unworthy, unwanted.
But somehow I always do.
Somewhere it read in the paper about internal pain, and I feel supremely guilty about sharing my woes when someone who was at least tertiarily related to me committed suicide recently. A superintendent of my former High School who was a ridiculously nice man. The school teachers were on strike for better insurance, more money to fund clubs and sports and a better quality for the school. But, in lieu of this Mr Harrison was going through a divorce and he was in the center of alot of things and for him to do such a thing blasted us away. Its been a very sad week, month for us Ottawans.
And totally, un-comparable but everyone has been having a shitty week.
Ive got a large speech due, tons of math to do and what am I doing? Sitting on DevArt and Livejournal complaining that Im sad.
*sigh*
It always starts with a fight.
I come home to silence in the homefront; thenwith the first step, and lock of the front door I hear words of anger. I hear my name and "SHE" this and "SHE" that. Its always about me, and I say this with a heavy heart not a flaunty conceitedness. I hate it, Im the cause of the fighting. always. I just want to exist but not exist. I want to do my own thing, read for hours, complete some art, do some math, write a speech, learn theatre and things about the environment. Watch some television, cook something fancy, pet the dogs and smile.
I dont smile very often, thats the downfall.
If I do Im away from home, laughing with friends; but is it really sincere laughter if everything else is sucking?
Am I pretending? Do I just babble on about little things just to do something with my mouth besides the frown or indifference?
God...is that the answer?!

Just when things get better, it nose dives. Mean looks resurface, impatience and anger bubble.
How come complacency and normality won't restore. Were we EVER happy? Will it ever be in our grasp?
Is it really because I don't do much around the house? Is it really because I occasionally leave the DVDs on top of the television and not put them away. Or leave the remainder of the silverware in the sink because the soap irritates the (FUCK) out of the psoriasis on my hands? Or maybe because I have some extra things lying around the house.
THIS is the source of so much anger that has grown against me "the slug"?

Im hurt.

I called my mother just to ask her a simple question about what class time I should take Math in next semester and she didn't answer her phone. (I know why, she was setting up for a dance, I understand that. What I dont understand is...)
When her voicemail responded instead I immediately was sad. Like heart plummeting, shoulder slumping, cozying in blankets sad.
I just wanted to hear her voice.
Im almost 21 years old why do I revert back to being so childish  in a time of need?

How come I cant just smile?

 

READ THIS COMIC. Goodbye Chains.
I enjoyed it and spent the whole afternoon reading it.
AFTER I caught myself up with Vassalord, which is EQUALLY AMAZING!

The point of this post is to say that I am in some DIRE need for comics. I need to read more so I can learn and ALSO because I need some mindless, un-academic reading to keep myself SANE and well, occupied when I am not writing speeches and being a great student! *capt morgan*

And if any of you have ANY i MEAN any sugestions from online comics, to manga, anything please let me know.

ooh I LOVE to compile lists! 

so, dan gave me a week off of work so I could get started with my homework. Which I have! To a certain extent.  I've done all of my assigned Global Environment homework (except for read the chapter) and we havent had any hw in theatre cuz he cancelled the thursday class cuz he has laryngitus (sp?)  and math I have hw which Im going to do tomorrow.  BUT, today when everyone was wondering why I was sitting at the table watching television *rolls eyes* they were asking me what I was doing. And I said my speech, and tried to explain how I was stressing out about it. So, they were like so hat have you been doing ll week? And I have been doing my speech all week, Ive jsut been indecisive and everyhing I write is shit so I just throw it away... which yeah is pretty dumb but its was crap. i cannot give this assignment crap.
So, i need to type a few ideas don cuz writing them isnt helping much.  ((Ive been focusing TOO much on the 10 words and not on the speech))

Ive been asking myself for years how I've ended up like this. A few things to describe me, Too nice for my own good, polite, accepting, tolerant, creative, neurotic, porous. A few other things, impatient when angry, blocked and sort of messy. Yes, I just described to you a contradiction, and thats what I am; a walking, talking contradiction. No matter the topic I usually have strong opinons about both parties arguments, which probably explains why I am constantly asked to be a mediator in arguements. And its common, everybody has at least a couple personalities; the work personality, the friend personality and the family personality. And, its not being fake or putting on a show its still you but a you that changes to fit the situation. I can be the studious, book-worm kind in the day time and be that punk kid, moshing at a local show during the night time. The one who plays bags, hide-n-seek and guess that card-trick with the little children in my family.
And, really? How did I end up this way? I think I have a few people to blame and thank for how I turned out.
Firstly, my mother who did all she could so I would have a normal life after her and my father split up. I dont ever remember being unhappy in my childhood. Shes an inspiration to me for going through what she did and is the happy, put together person she is today. We have our bouts or arguing now and again but we get through it.
My mother's brother Uncle Herb has affected my life more than I can account here. When I was younger, I was terrified of him. At six-two he towered over me; picked and prodded me like an uncle should. At around the age of 7 I got over that pretty quickly. He lived at the edge of Boystown in Chicago, which seemed like another world to a seven year old. I remember going to the beach, making sandcastles with fanstic moats as deep as my bandaged knees. Smelling the charcoal grills cooking various meats with spices I'd never smelled before emitting from a Mediterranean restaurant down the street. Sure, I couldn't fully appreciate culture when I was 7 but I still loved to visit my uncle Herb! I went to visit him a few days before my 8th birthday, take your kid to work day I believe. I went to his work, met a woman who worked with my favorite band, at the time, the Backstreet Boys. I was enthused! We had tickets to see Mulan at the IMAX theatre, we lost trck of time and had to rush to the movie. My seven year old self had to run to catch up with my giant, briskly walking uncle and soon after we got inside to the escalator I was out of breath. My air ways constricted, the cold tearing at my lungs my wheezy raspy breath said to my Uncle, I cant breathe. And, we had a dilemma, I had left my inhaler at his condo and the show started in 2 minutes. Fast thinking Herb, bought us an extra large black coffee with sugar from Starbucks and we went in to see the movie. Herb reccounted later that 3/4s of the way of the movie he went to take a drink of the coffee, and it was gone. My seven year old self had drank the ENTIRE thing. And, that is the story of my caffeinne addiction.
Now to reinforce this, my uncle had introduced me to many new things over the years; the city, people, culture, art etc. I belive he helped me out of my shell little, by little. So, when I entered highschool, it was a whole new beast to be reckoned with. I don't know how it happened but, it did. There was a girl within the same highschool that looked very similar to me, and my freshman year people would come up to me and say "KATY!" and I'd turn around very confused when they'd grab my shoulder. We finaly met the summer of my sophomore year in drivers ed. We've been friends ever since.
She rocked my sheltered little world with her eccentric thrift store style, we dubbed her a "true" emo-kid, an original. Her vulgar yet, hilarious outbursts, her superb writing and music inspired me. The music she listened to not only filled my cd case but left me searching for more. She was interesting, invited me places I'd never been invited, I met people I never thought I'd meet. She brought me to local punk shows, parties (in which I felt out of place but went anyway). Where my love of punk rock started, the thril of loud pounding music, the way it felt to have the crowd move and jump as one massive ocean of singing, screaming fans. Katy took me to my first real concert at Warped Tour, before it became trendy. I remember being smashed, throttled by crowd surfers and turfed out of the way by moshers at My chemical Romance, Motion City Sundtrack, and Coheed and Cambria. Then, the local shows which turned out much better. Girls get to mosh and guys don't treat them like frail peices of porcelian. Moshers have an unwritten code, you fall down we pick you up, you lose a contact, glasses, wallet we cease all action and look for it. Thats the beauty of local shows, its more personal and good natured. There's no winners or losers, its all about the music and having fun. Even though Katy and I parted ways after highschool she still is an important factor in my life. We started hanging out again this winter and plan on attending many shows in the near future, next weekend to be exact.


conclusion pending

So, Danielle's 20th birthday was today. We were among the first people to arrive, Rory and I and the last of the them to leave.
Ive been thinking alot about relationships, life, death, happiness and sex.
I'm thinking Im ready for all of them, save for death. I think Im terrified of death, everytime I think about it I just sort of freeze up and wonder why I am alive, if I am happy and if I died tomorrow would I have lived a fulfilling life? I'm too young to be burdened by the darkness of death, so I will focus on things that I can deal with in the present, meaning the living of my life NOW.
There's no time for sadness and hate, theres only time for living life to its fullest.
Today, at Danielle's party she seemed happy, she drank and sang and danced and even though alot of her close friends in Chicago didnt come, she had a damn good time anyway! She's beautiful and smart and has a good personality. Shes having fun and living it up right now, if she can say shes happy then fine, let her do it!
A couple, friends of Danielle's from Chicago, came and yeah, the guy threw up on the carpet (and the girlfriend cleaned it up without puking, kudos girl!) but when he finally fell asleep next to his woman; they were all curled up together, his arm around her shoulders and nothing could have woken them from their slumber together.
Yeah, it was a drunken slumber but it was still sweet.

So, why am I still such a pussy about things?
Im too afraid to ask for a drink, or let alone just take one, ask for another date, talk to a guy Im interested in, take things further with a boyfriend, GIVE A FUCKING SPEECH, or just be happy with who i am?
I am beautiful, pretty, a good person so, why can't I feel like I am these things? 

I really think I should call Dan, but i dont want to use him to feel good about myself... I know I wouldnt USE him like THAT but, in a weird abstract way I would. I think we have alot in common, music wise. I have a bad feeling he was trying to hint about the Incubus song from Light Grenades, Oil and Water. "and oh, we've been trying to mix it up." oil and water DONT mix... maybe im just overreacting though...

*sigh* going to bed.

hey! been totally ignoring this half of livejournal.
been posting like no ones business on macramed_effect so, go and read! 
Its all stuff I've had but the older one about monsters and stuff is new, plus new stuff on wizarding kind.
still needs alot of work but its still getting there! 
I am working on Liam Florentine Greenland's bio, Icabus Enneerg's bio, Dante Rosse Pierre's bio (finally) and a tad or Sebby Rouge and Cece Turner's bios. Also trying to get plot and stuff into order. Hopefully the first chapter will be up on dev. art soon?
-i do start school on Tuesday so hopefully that wont put a damper on my progress.
But, gotta go taking Zita to school tomorrow since she doesnt have a working car until tues or wed...
night!

I don't expect to become famous or anything, that'd be cool if it were ever published or anything. But, itd be interesting!
I was already plotting out some of the chapter names like Indulgent Apathetic Child, The Virgin Lesbian, Eating to Fill A Void and It Smells Like Plastic Dinosaurs Outside!, Dating Boy Wonder and such. I had an idea awhile ago about the title and cover of the book.
If i cannot fnd it i may name it "My Hair is As Big As A House, Gotta Love Humidity"
cuz im a dork like that, my life has been strange and i was feeling very reflective and needing to make sense of my childhood nd learn from the mstakes i have looked over. and i keep repeating them and not learning. and whats the point of mistakes if you cant learn from them?

I really was going to read some HP:DH before i went to bed so i could read the massive pile of books I checked out at the library today from the two trips i took.... But ended up talking with Nathan and Minty. Nathan about possible art options and him moving on with his life whether or not his parentssupport the idea or not. and Kyle basically about how the Oasis service SUCKS and about how Greenday are fucking media whores and absolute tools.

okay, im feeling ridiculously sick so im going to bed.

before i go these're the books i got,
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures of the Culinry Underbelly - Anthony Bourdain
Mythology and You
The Devil on Trail: Witches, Anarchists, Communists, and Terrorists in America's Courtroom
One Hundred: A Guide to the Peices Every Stylish Woman Must Own - Nina Garcia
The Girl's Guide to Absolutely Everything
Starting Out: The Essential Guide to Cooking on Your Own
Art Against the Odds: From Slave Quilts to Prison Paintings

Im finishing the hp book first, then the bourdain, then the books with the most pictures in them. then the style ones.
kk bed!
ughhh i feel like shit.

just got back from the oasis with emily, ktg and nicole hernandez. i miss ye old days when emily and i drew on each other other and scratched each others backs and had lazy summers...

well, i had a good day. took my test today and got a fucking 85%, fuck yeah. i couldve taken the exam but decided that i should study for it and take it on Monday in the morning. So I am.
Plus, I did my hair a different way and it looks fuckin SCHWEET.
will be doing it like this for a bit now. it takes a little more bobby pins..oh!
i need to buy more bobby pins, little clips, and heavy duty metal pins for hair. ive got alot of hair to restrain. and i think im going to buy ian some hair shit cuz he looks stupid with his hair down...
kk going to bed. i was DEAD tired this morning with no coffee.

Firstly, this is a list of important things I need to do

-make a list of 12 movies we can watch for movie night
-call walgreens to get a singulair refill (if needed make doctor appt and ask for samples)
-read the rest of Hella Nation and RETURN it before fines rack up...
-read HP.DH again (after Hella Nation)
-STOP eating fast food, drink lots of water, and for chrissakes excercise a bit...
-get rid of all shirts that aren't structured aka: tent shirts (i can count at least 4 of them in my closet now...)
-please, please, please draw or finish the sketchbook by the end of the summer
-take chap 4 test tomorrow in class, review for final exam until end of class and take final exam either Friday, or Monday
-go through purses and get rid of ones that a). arent yours b). you have used at least more than 3 times c.) give away
-READ DOGS OMG
-research about mpd
-make a list of things you need to research about the comic.

alright i think thats it for now. ill add like always

oh yes. I need to plan for next semester because i ws SUPPOSED to finish early this summer semester but planned more poorly than i intended. SO! for 0907 i am going to finish slightly early by planning ahead.
so when class meets i will only go for tests and quizzes on scheduled days.
but in the morning when im out of my 8-11 classes i will go to the math lab and do inbetween work and ask questions when i need help! i needed to write that down so i would remember that it was important
class schedule:
Global Environment, Schroeder, 8.00am-9.15am, tues and thurs A213
Introduction to Theatre, Kuester, 9.30am-10.45am, tues and thurs F114
Fundamentals of Speech, Peterlin, 6.30pm-9.15pm, tues OHS
Math 0907-403/Intermediate Algebra, McClure, 5.30pm-9.45pm, wed OHS

i think my schedule this year rocks. Plus, i filled out an application at the bookstore at IVCC today and hopefully they'll give me a call soon! Rachel said they need some help and apparently they havent had alot of applicants so hopefully they'll give me a shot! Wish me luck! :) 


locknload

btw. watch spaced. its awesome




 

Yo, I just wanted to post and say I have my internet back up on my lappy.
Not that it really matters but Im excited!!
Anyhow. I had a fancy post, but im too damn tired to type it, plus I wrote it in the bathroom when i was at work because i ws feeling sad and needed to rant but no one was willing to listen.
So I pooped and wrote on a scrap of paper in my pocket. I will post and elaborate because its important but it is not all at the same time.
Im excited about my internet being back cuz now I can read the Dogs manga that I have missed.
And I am now going to check the fan site here on lj. WHEE!
I need to sleep...
 EDIT: by the by, I had an incredible dream about this guy who has multiple personalities. and and and he was cool. There was "shy" behnam (the original), smart collective behnam, manic, malice, deegan, flesh, bored or boring dont remember, and a few others i dont think had names but it was a sweet dream. his gf was gloria or sylvia dunno. but it was basically gloria/sylvia helping out the kid with his mpd by talking to all of his personalities and getting to understand this person (each personality) better in turn of knowing Behnam better. Because, heh, they're all one person. Whats weird is that every personality kept saying "WE"RE ONE PERSON!" when Gloria/Sylvia would refer to them as "you" so she gave them names. and each one was very aware of the others. But the collective Behnam was the MOST aware and knowledgeable about the subject. He was saying how people with mpd create someone else for certain happenings to happen to. A sort of defense mechanism.
OKay, so you're probably wondering why I have weird dreams like these and are detailed? WELL cuz KTG and i were sort of arguing about it. Someone I know has mpd and she was saying how its bullshit. And i told her that she thought it was bullshit only because shes never met anyone with mpd before so how can she formulate any sort of opinion about it. but i guess theres been research about it and it is but it isnt an actual mental disorder because its a "defense mechnism" but it seems very close to post traumatic stress disorder. Dont cha think?
Anyway, dream ended with the Manic screwing the girlfriend and feeling guilty. he said 'god, behnams gonna kill me..' followed by Gloria/Sylvia saying "you're one person!!"
if you think about it, shes a fucking slut!! :) pfft
k REALLY going to bed now. THAT was a weird welcome back post...

So, I was going to post this on the last post but found it highly innappropriate for the circumstance...
I had a "date" last saturday.
I qoute it because I'm unsure of how I feel about him romantically.
Because I'm still churning the bogs of my last relationship I want things to go slowly and I want to get to know him before anything happens.

Plus, now I look back at the day I'm feeling stupid.
I really had a great time, I was confident, and funny and I we talked ALOT!
He's in the beginnings of his own business, and he just recieved his associates from IVCC. Huzzah! 
And he's a car salesman, he fixes up cars and then sells them. Basically.
He's into some great music, he told me that I had an impressive taste in music and I was pretty excited about that.
No ones ever said that to me!
He was..no he is a complete gentleman, he opened doors for me, apologized when he swore ( you cant say helll if you're talking about hell, HELL YEAH! -bart simpson), was very attentive and we connected!
He's very interesting, opened up and he was honest with me; a big plus considering the last relationship.
I hate to say this but I really talked alot about David and I told myself I wouldn't.
But, honestly that's how comfortable I was around him. Like he was an old friend I could instantly connect with.
And I just hope he doesn't think I'm out to get another boyfriend and he's going to be the rebound guy.
That's not what I want for him to be, he's a great guy and someone who seems pretty valuable to me.
I really need to tell him my intentions so hes not floating around in between.
Plus, I think I did a few weird things I hope he wasnt too weirded out by. Like a) the David thing b) being a little too open c) gave him a cd to listen to because I though it was great.
Like, not creepy open, but in a i sort of spilled some beans about the David issue. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
I want to back it up with the fact that I'm super honest and I don't like to hide what I'm feeling. If I do tend to hide a bit, its normally because I don't realize Im doing it...
I dont want Dan (thats his name) to think that I'm using him to fill a space that has been vacated. Yes, Im still slightly sad about David and I want to be snuggled a bit but im not going to let that get in the way between Dan and I's friendship. Because that is what I want to happen first. That is how David and I fucked up to begin with. We never met the real David and Stephanie.

On a different note, I have to go to Save Alot to get some things. We're watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and I have to get orange juice and croissants. Plus, I have to straighten my hair and get ready soon.
Hopefully Dan will call before the movie...

OH! And I invited Dan to go to the Cubs game with me next Sunday. I didn't think it would be a big issue, but my grandparents are going too... Thats too early isn't it? Especially since you know, we're not dating and probably wont be?
Things haven't been set up enough, we sort of know each other but not enough.
Okay, I've gotta go. I shouldn't let my stupid insecurities get to me but Im letting them... *sigh* Damnit.
God, what if he thinks im a weirdo? He wouldntve said he wanted to go to the game if he did...yeah. maybe...

Going through some ridiculous and turbulent times currently.
A good friend of mine recently passed away.
He was loved by many and he loved them right back.
Even though he and I were not as close as many others were but, he always treated me like we had been.
At his memorial service this morning, I turned the corner and saw at the funeral home at least 50 people milling around in grief outside.
Although I was pretty shocked and moved by this, it didn't surprise me that everyone had showed up in honor of this great young man. When I parked my car and went inside, I saw that the throng outside didn't even capture the amount of people that were inside (and that continued to arrive).
It seemed like our entire graduating class had shown up, it struck me hard to know that he made such a lasting impression on so many people.

And, oh god Angie. Sweet , sweet Fuhlipa and amazing Austin. Two people in love, two people who did not deserve such a terrible, terrible thing.
The nicest people in the world, lucky to have each other, lucky to have met.
In Angie's eulogy she stated that  she slept next to him and woke up next to him, how much of a wonderful person he was. The plans they made to marry and have ten babies (a few earnest laughs, lots of tear filled smiles), and how she appreciated everyone coming and showing their support. She said that she only wanted Austin, and that she loved him.
It was a moving speech but in the way where I wanted to just sob because it made me so sad to know her love was ripped away from her.
Alot of my sorrow has deriven from a lost love, and how Angie will be scarred so deeply and unable to love for a long time.
I hope that this is not the case, yes, please by all means take all the time in the world to heal. But dont let such a vital force be lost, be strong and move forward. Austin would want her to be successful, happy, and unplaqued with guilt and sadness.
All of my strength and thoughts are with Austin's family. But, mostly with Angie.

<3 Grey

D: sorry about that i guess I overreacted a tad.
S: *sigh* I guess we both did. at least it got some sort of reaction {note: i meant answer but i was distraught.} I need to know what you want and think sometimes. Because I'm clueless half the time.
S:The purpose of these obstacles is to overcome them, its what makes us stronger. its built upon and we've never went back to square one.
D: True very true

So, this is the conversation we had via text message after the stupid fight. I will elaborate more later.
David broke up with me the on the 9th, Im doing okay I guess.
Rachel and I are going to the Dick Blick Outlet store in Wheaton or Galesburg I dont know. Hopefully Ill feel better soon.
Oh, I only shared the texting above because I had to delete it, and tell myself that sometimes he does care about me, which I dont think is the case now.
im not trying to make him look like the huge ass here because I did my assy part too.
I just wish it wouldn't have ended up like this.
*sigh*

he looks all nervous like someones gonna kill him.

Hello, sorry for the lack of posting! Who's birthday is it? Theres a cake and some candles...im lost.
well, im reeking terribly of sweat and shop so I will make this brief.

Crash and I have made up and are dating again after the one night of a momentary lapse of reason. His doing and not mine.
Those details will come at a later time.

My friend Peach has a new apartment which I am going to move into in a few months. Its about 5-7 minutes from the college and it's pretty small but amazing. I helped Peach paint, when I say helped I mean surveyed and drank rootbeer. I did however take wallpaper down and scrape off the papery residue. THAT was a fucking blast!
Really, it was! for once sarcasm is not the overtone! We listened to Tegan and Sara's So Jealous and it was fun!
We lacked any modern tools so we rolled water onto the walls with a paint roller and scraped off the paper with old, scratched cds.

Haha! And we had a HUGE misunderstanding! Well, two really.
She was telling me that her and the significant other finally had sex and with her excitable speech she left important info out, well hold on. She said:
"I met the landlord and hes super nice and then we had sex."
Peach is now one of my best friends and I would say I know her pretty well. So, when she said this I about dropped the phone and died. Shes sweet and caring and she has a good boyfriend. But, there was a communication problem, what she MEANT was that after she met her landlord she locked the door and had sex with her boyfriend.
She was humored that I made a misconnection, Im glad she had sex with her bf, lmao.
I love how I cant hear most of the time...
*sigh* well the second was that her and her bf havent talked about it yet. So, shed been texting him all day and he hadnt responded once. So, I came over to ease her stress and we talked and I was annoyed he wasnt texting her back.
She has irrational emotions like I, so I understood her stress.
So, she finally texted him and said "I need to know if you are opkay, your lack of response is worrying me."
He texted back, "Yeah, Im fine, is there anything wrong?"
So shes like, well yeah! and said "Ive been texting you all day and you didnt get anything?"
so he said "No? What time and how many?"
So we're freaking out and laughing because apparently his phone sometimes doesnt recieve messages and he wont get them for a few days. So, Peach and I were so not amused.
So, everything is fine between lovers.

Except for Verde. Which will come when I do not need to be at an art lesson. ack I think im late!
Well, I wanted to let everyone know I have a Twitter, same name as this one!
Hopefully I can be funny in one liners...haha! Good luck to me...

lock and load!
Tepid

Tell me this love hasn't changed me at all.

I wanted to write in that I keep falling deeper into this relationship with every moment we spend together.
Whether its lying on the floor watching ridiculous youtube things, sitting in the basement doing art with Cheryl, Lauren and Rachael or watching home videos of his family from 1997.
Just being in his arms and knowing that he cares about me is plain enough to keep me satisfied.
His grandmother passed away last year and she happened to be in almost all of the videos and he started crying and then everyone started crying.
And its really sweet because he wasn't ashamed about it, Gary Cheryl and Lauren seemed surprised but also reflected how sad they were about it.
I really do love him, not because he cried about his grandma but because hes him.
(side note: cheryl told me that her mother passed away on November 29th last year... its coincidental because my bday is the 30th of November...AND Kitten told me that his mom said that i reminded her of her mother...)
Yeah, he's slightly over the top and obnoxious but good god I love him. I think we balance each other out, hes crazy and loud and im crazy but calm...
I can't say or put my finger on why I love him, I just do.
hes sweet and funny, he cares about me and thinks im beautiful (he said i was sexy too, but that freaked me out...) he lets me be a control freak, i dont want to change him, his family is amazing, and I absolutely ADORE his father. I love everyone else just as much but its because he is SO much like his father and its good because there are many redeeming qualities that he and his father share. It's great

I will elaborate later only because its so late and i wanted to complete some hw early tomorrow so i can be with my kitten.
noting on how he seems fragile but he holds himself higher because of it.
noting the intimacy level (lack of any sexual behavior and its not bothersome to me)
noting his family

.

i be on your livejournal posting on your page.

word.

Yo! I know I haven't posted in a week or so, I've been extremely busy...
And not the bash my face against the wall busy, pleasantly busy. Smile big, now!\
My friend Peach introduced me to a very nice boy and I am no longer single.
He's ugh, just plain and simple awesome. He's got this great laugh and is genuinely caring and seems to be falling for me.
FOR ME.
Now, I've never experienced this and I will say that I'm slightly weirded out by it. Good gracious its wonderful but, I'm not used to the attention he gives me. He keeps telling me I'm cute and beautiful and tht I'm an amazing artist. I haven't seen any of his stuff yet but, I think he seems to think he's not as good as me... which is dumb because I'm not THAT good. But, its highly flattering when he says stuff like that.
way to inflate my ego Crash...
And, *smiles* i get that little nervous twinge in my stomach when I think about him. At first, I was apprehensive about the suddenness of everything. I blamed my freaking out about it on my sheer lack of experience with anyone remotely sane and knowledgeable about relationships. But, I did tell him I was freaked out about the whole suddeness and he said that he wouldn't have made a move if he wasn't sure about his decision. I'm glad I was myself at the Oasis, and Ive forever grateful for Peach being there.
This sounds terrible but she was the buffer and banisher of spastic nerves that day...
I wasn't nervous until he asked me on another date. We talked on the phone and had a lot of awkward silences but, everything is better. We had a 48 min conversation today of pretty much all talking. A few moments of me reveling in something sweet he said.Oh my is he so so so nice..

Btw, we were supposed to go to a concert yesterday for Greaser's brithday but he was so sick we didn't end up going. Its not the last concert we were ever going to go to. However, Greaser missed out on some free drinks but, you know I hope he doesnt take it too badly. Hopefully he had a good time at the bar tonight. The show was at the new Bottom Lounge and a friend of mine I met off of MySpace after the last show said it was kickass but we'll have to experience it another time. ooh reminder, i need to make Crash a copy of the Horrorpops since HE IS GOING IN APRIL!!!! lol well im off to bed im feeling pretty shitastic...
well those WERE the bands we were going to see...
The massacres, al and the black cats, the arkhams, curtains, wreckin' ball, the howlin tumbleweeds, nuke mutes and the dyes

<3 tepid
 

 

I know this is going to come as such a great shock to you, those who actually read this and care, but I am not well.
I've been focusing on school lately and not because I was threatened either. We had "family talk" which was mostly me being lectured bout "how I don't care enough about my schooling" Which is utter bull. On to that later.
So, I haven't been up on all the friend drama and stupid shit that I do not need to be subjecting myself to.
Verde suggested that 2009 is going to be a terrible year. And, you know what? She can shove it up her ass because I am not taking any of her pessimistic banter anymore!
*exhales* If you keep telling yourself that "oh, everything is going to be wrong and negative!" It fucking will be! YOU can be the judge of how your life ends up, you choose who and who not to care or not care about. YOU are to blame for the things you get yourself in or out of!
I'm TERRIBLY upset at the fact that my relationships with Anarchy and Greaser are horribly failing because Verde had to be how she is.
*sighs and rubs eyes violently* im not meaning to make this sound like its Verde's fault but I think it was a contributor. Anarchy's feelings had to be let out and were eventually going to be trampled and rung out. But, Verde isn't helping the situation by holding in her own feelings and being a stubborn burro about everything. We all need to deal with out shortcomings and our problems and held back issues. This withholding and secretive and middle-man bullshit needs to be nixed.
I HATE BEING THE FUCKING MEDIATOR! Im ALWAYS the one who has to deal with both sides, doesn't ANYONE fucking care how I feel about the situation??!! I have to watch my friends being torn apart and I sit helplessly on the fucking sidelines, ESPECIALLY when a guy is involved! 
What the fuck! And you WONDER why I've never gotten laid, or had ANY sort of fucking relationship? (sorry, getting laid has nothing to do with this. i really dont care about sex, but more about being cared about. you should know this if you read).
But, seriously. I'm tired of having to diffuse the situation, hear both sides and not be able to help. Having to be split between two people I care about because someone decides they are a pussy...

Anyway. Im done ranting. Im going to make some tea and calm down.
And, Minty when are you coming back to fucking visit? I could use some quality 'bucks time with you...

<3 Tepid

I'm obsessed with rockabilly/psychobilly music. Momma Anarchy patted my leg today and said "We're slowly converting you..."
And, quite honestly I agree. I do feel super poser-ish.
I've always enjoyed rockabilly but, I never knew that's what its name was! I always called it swing music...
Well, I had said that I needed to sew my pants, and she made that comment and I snickered.
But, I agree with her.
My initial point is that I was feeling sort of sad today.
Feeling like I;m trapped in the middle and either way is going to fuck my days. I want to continue hanging out in the House of Yellow with the Psychobilly Twins but, everything is starting to hit the fan.
Momma Anarchy is saddened by certain men in her life and its making me sad because shes sad.
It also saddens me how everyone who deserves to be happy isn't, and I'm sure as hell not happy.
Nor is Verde, Greaser or Tepid.
I'll sigh my sighs and head to bed.
I'm also sickly, AGAIN so rest is well needed.

Lock and load kittens.

Tepid

GAH! Sorry this is so belated!
Sunday, February 22 we drove up to Chicago to see a rockabilly show. For those who don't know what rockabilly is?
You know what google is right? Visit it.
So, Mom actually validated my request to go, on one condition. That she gets to meet Ian or I couldn't go.
Yeah.
I thought she was being an ass, but she wasn't kidding.

So, Anarchy, Greaser, Verde, Bill and I drove up in the van around 6.30 to get to the venue. (Cobra was thinking about going but im glad he didn't cuz there wasn't enough room for him...sad) Subterranean is a cool place, small enough for a personal experience, plus its beautiful. Theres a balcony people can stand and watch the band from and its fucking sweet.
So, we get lost because we're not familiar with Chicago. We get off on a random exit, and we're lost. Before we turn I notice a sign that says Damen St. 1 mile. And I was like, ACK!! THATS WHERE WE NEED TO GO! Cuz, I researched a little beforehand. Thank god..
So, we're lost. I call Herb, of course, and he saves the day. However, he's with bitchface Val. So, hes trying to give us directions and were not sure where we are. She wont shut up in order for Herb to listen to me and we're driving in fucking circles. So, I hear her say QUITE clearly "Tell them to turn around or fucking hang up!" and it took all the calm I could muster to not scream into the phone to tell Herb to tell her to shut the fuck up. Shows who's the mature one. Fuck, and she's Herb's age, cunt.
ANYWAY! We FINALLY find the place and people are standing outside still. Yay, we werent late. We park and start to book it towards the place, I forgot my jacket cuz I was excited. We get there and Greaser informs us that we missed more than 3/4 of the show. We missed all the opening bands and one song from the Koffin Kats. So, he pays and flies up the stairs taking at least three at a time. I'm assuming he dived straight into the pit. I don't blame the kid.
I will admit that I was scared about the show because I didn't know them. I had been listening to them a tad on Myspace, but it didn't prepare me enough. And, I'm not rockabilly either but, this show totally converted me. No awkward girly-clothes stage for me.
Well, a little. Anarchy gave me an old jean jacket with studs on it for me to wear. It was Greaser's but, it was too big for him. It's small on me, but the shoulders fit close to perfectly. I put my buttons on it last night.
Anyway, I wore my tight black trip pants with leopand tights underneath. Two black tanktops to shut out the cold, and the black 3/4 sleeve sweater with the hand-embroidered coffin with wings on the back. I shall post that when I get a picture of it. And pompadored my hair, wore a flower and bright red lipstick. Half my makeup was gone within ten minutes but, i wasn't complaining. 
Anarchy and Greaser were pretty damn surprised I moshed with them, I didn't mosh with Bill cuz I had to hold his shit. It made me sad, but it was a damn spectacle to see the havoc he raised. *sigh* Anarchy told me she was surprised because I seemed timid.
Fuck that! I went so I could mosh! Haha, sort of. Excuse me, I went so I could wreck, it was fun...
Apparently theres another show on or after Greaser's birthday, and I hope I can make it to that one too. Hopefully, I can get to know the bands music before they play. That was a tad awkward.
There was this chubby chick that was standing next to me that I kept getting shoved into but, I think she was used to it. She kept smiling at me when I turned to her to apologize. She said something to me but, I just smiled and nodded. I couldn't hear a damn thing.
All in all, the show was fucking great. We went to Denny's in Willowbrook and our server was a smartass. I pooped in the potty, and sabotaged some Russian girls. Haha! They were bitches, they deserved it.
On the way home we listened to a nifty channel that on in the wee hours of morning about Conspiracy Theories. It was neat, the guy paused for five seconds between thought processes and Bill invented a game where we said often innapropriate things in the pauses. I said debacle. Bill said something to do with vaginas. Verde rose from her sleeping stupor and said cock nibble or something to that effect. It was neat.
Anarchy and I took Bill home in DePew (sp?) and had some deep conversations. We got back to the house and watched Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, ate some Moose Tracks Ice Cream. I was sitting on the smaller love-seat with Anarchy cuz Cobra had passed out on the big couch. When Anarchy vacated her spot Greaser took it and we shared the ice cream. I really think we're starting to be comfortable around each other now, but I know things he doesn't about two main women in his life so, now I feel a tad awkward about it.
I like him too but, I try to keep my feelings out of it because I honestly think that my opinion and feelings are not important in this matter.
I slept over there and I did make it to school but, I missed my first two classes.
Now, I cannot miss my english class anymore or my grade will be affected.
Now, I am off to write/plan my paper for english. Damn it I woke up early so I could start it. At least its 2.30 instead of 5.30.
OH! Before I leave, Alicia Foster (Weather and Climate/Starbucks) is compiling a list of music for me. And Ian too. EEK Im excited!
OH yes, the kids have neato little rockabilly nicknames. Ie: Dollface and Kaos and Momma (-) Anarchy. So, I'm thinking about Tepid T (revino). I WAS thinking Syeco Steph but, I'm not sure. Feedback people, feedback! (and since no feedback on the matter has been given, ive decided on Syeco Tepid)

lock-n-load