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Sep. 5th, 2011

punch him on the nose

Such a hiatus filled only by impending sorrow...

I know I havent been here in such a long while. And Im terribly sorry to bother any of you with this awfully terrible self indulgent post about this strange sadness that has attached itself to me lately. 
Actually, you'd think I should be happy! My closest friend, and most interesting I shall say, has gotten married to the woman he loves and has been lucky enough to find his one soulmate. The wedding was beautiful, his speech moved the entire room and put to shame the other wedding in the opposite hall (across the creek). Even if their colors were the same! (cheap bastards!) but after their reception I was struck by this terrible sadness. I accounted to the fact there was no one in the house when I returned home, and there wouldnt be until the next, next morning. But, I left on such short notice  only said goodbye to the bride and groom (which are the most important, of course! but that left many of the groom's family I had just met w/o a goodbye. Sure they were sloshed but it still wouldve mattered to me. I really wanted to get to know them better, since the groom and I are pretty close, I'd say. 
The thing is. Well, you know how they say women cheat EMOTIONALLY when they aren't getting their emotional needs met with their current relationship? I think single women do this as well. My last term paper was about daughters with absent fathers and the effect it had on their relationships with men. It said alot of women would be apprehensive about relationships andwere more likely to have a rebellious relationship with "bad" men because they were..well adventurous, different and well...interesting. But they would ultimately fall HARD for men who were taken, unavailable or just plain not ready for a serious relationship. We are doomed to be heartbroken, it would seem.  Self sabotage is a term I use often about what i do to myself. 
Im not saying that I wanted to be with the groom in this case, he tended to flatter me and tell me he wanted to cuddle me and hang out and be comforted and Id be confused and apprehensive myself. This was my friends' fiancee and he was being all nice and almost flirtatious with me. Maybe its my lack of relationship knowledge but I didnt know what to do. I sort of withdrew from talking with him for a bit. And it was a bad idea becausethats when he needed the company the most. So we started talking the beginning of the month before he was coming out to America to marry my friend. We joked about me dating his friend or his brother byt he made me swear I wouldnt.which was unfortunate but my poor self esteem knows that would never happen. Also, note; never take a male friend to a wedding inwhich you wish to meet men. Stupid STUPID idea. He is also a great close friend of mine, possibly another reason I was so awfully crushed and lowwhen I returned home. I shall elaborate on this post tomorrow. I am so damn tired.
Team Fortress 2 players today just did a terrible number on me. My self esteem has plummetted to an all time low. Internetters fucking suck. Keep your damn rude comments to yourself, you can hide behind that screen but youll get yours when someone hits you in the fucking face.


Jul. 6th, 2011

gios night sunglasses

Things I Hate: A comic Idea

Determined on the Fourth of July, I think I may start a small comic project about things I don’t necessarily enjoy. There will be others’ contribution as well. Because I believe that sharing is caring. Plus, having respect for others and their ideas/thoughts/opinions is what makes us cool people, so yeah.
I have a few ideas down already, which include the hatred of fireworks, difference between the word “diaphragm,” and bald shiney heads. Just as a preview.

The reason behind this is that I have realized I say “I hate…” quite a lot. Maybe this is not such a great idea because I think it will be sort of negative and I wanted to stop being so angry about stupid, pithy things but its humorous and that is the point. So, any thoughts feel free to share. :)

Anyhow, I don’t know where I will be posting this scanty comic but I need to draw it first, yes?

-Steph

Feb. 18th, 2011

sirius leashlaws

holy hell in a hand basket

I realize that I am twenty-two years old and STILL utilizing livejournal.
but, obviously, I give no shit.  Well, not necessarily all the time but yeah, fuck it, anyway...
I've found out a few things that I wanted to write about because it's slightly bothersome to me.
Firstly, we all know that I have a severe addiction to coffee and I am not hiding that fact in the slightest.
In my daily coffee run, and because Starbucks happens to be where I was purchasing my new glasses (which are fucking SWEET!), I order my regular and since my obsession knows no bounds, my ex-coworker behind the counter tells me some upsetting news!
That he may not be working there in the upcoming months.
My jaw dropped and I had that stupid concerned look on my face, which is sometimes confused with pain... :/
And, I asked him why in that high-pitched whine I tend to employ.
He proceeded to tell me that Starbucks has a new policy that they have no more need of CoffeeMasters and they are going to be letting them go. which, most of the Coffee Masters are in the know about what makes coffee great, what food to pair it with, and are knowledgeable of where and what region it originates from, etc.
I should mention that I used to work for Starbucks, our terribly inept boss in the Ottawa store, which doesn't exist anymore, fired me because I wasn't up for the job. But, she never gave me the adequate training I deserved and when I asked for help she turned me down. I was pissed. Anyway, I do frequent the Starbucks in Peru and worked at that location for a good month or so. Especially in the morning when it was fucking crazy. Therefore, I got to know the morning crew which are Coffee Masters and therefore, amazing. Plus, they lead interesting lives, are involved in their community and know their returning customers.
The man in question however, is incredibly nice. Has given me free drinks and is concerned about my schoolwork and has offered me numerous times before to help me with my mathmatics assignments. Which is UNBELIEVABLY sweet! So, when we said  this I was sort of crushed! And, he isn't OLD but he's probably in his early to late fifties. Plus, I was concerned that it was a discriminatory act since many of their newer employees are younger, jubilant-looking, attractive, more capable of work. Plus, younger sells and is "modern." but seriously, older people working at a starbucks? come on, how "modern" is that of them? REALLY?! They should be praised. Maybe it's just my personal opinion and morals but I look up to older people! Isn' t that right? Hmm.
BUT previous news, the previous boss lady, the first boss of mine from Starbucks, was electively demoted to just a shift manager. Someone told me "because she wants to spend more time with her family and be more involved." Which is sweet and makes me think ten times higher of her, obviously because she is decreasing her time @ work and her career to stay involved with her family. I adore this woman and always have.
BUT, this is secret...my friend told me that in a few months they are going to be opening their own coffee shop!! They have a building leased out already!
Which, tells me a few things. Obviously they are fucking FED UP with Starbuck's fucking rules. I have always loved starbucks personally. They do a great amount of things but I also was frantically pissed when they closed our store and did not take into consideration the Ottawa store is in a small area and most of our income was from regulars and traffic from Interstate 80. BUT we made alot of money, in Ottawa standards.  But not according to Starbucks Incorporated. Which, is utter bullshit and unfair.
in retrospect, I knew something was wrong with this institution but I ignored it because I love it so much. Why is everyone so corrupt?! I am highly upset, I would like to look farther into this situation...

Well, now I don't remember my second and third point.
but I apologize for such an absence! I am still without wireless internet at my house and have to rely on wifi from starbucks, dunkin' donuts, jeremiah joe and the college. All of which I cannot read my yaoi and I am SEVERELY behind in Starfighter, Goodbye Chains (sliiightly gay but not) and a multitude of drawing. I am so sad! Hopefully I will gain the internet back soon! I also think that not being able to blog/journal is affecting my venting outlet. I am starting to throw things and be unneccessarily angrier...which scares me.
LMFAO and a thought just occurred to me. If people actually cared what I said/read this shit they'd probably say things like "you're a fucking idiot. get help!" and id just laugh maniacally and then set their computers on fire with my mind.

Jan. 6th, 2010

gios night sunglasses

Random as Shit

Oh my god.
So it's 2010 and I've got nothing exciting going on!
FINALLY signed up for classes and I'm starting to gain some confidence because I have no choice.
My completion rate is low and if I don't get some completion...ahhh...completed, then i may be kicked out by Financial Aid. So i need to step it up and pass some classes.
Schedule:  (cuz i need to keep writing it down to remember it...):
Monday: 9-9.50 Art Survey II
               10-11.40 (lecture) Intro to Illustrator
                12-12.50 Math 0907
Tuesday: 9.30-10.45 Global Environment
                  12-12.50 Math 0907
Wednesday: 9-9.50 Art Survey II
                       10-11.40 (lab) Intro to Illustrator
                       12-12.50 Math 0907
Thursday: 9.30-10.45 Global Environment
                   12-12.50 Math 0907
Friday: 9-9.50 Art Survey II, 12-12.50 Math 0907

AND what's also great about my going to school everyday is that I won't miss the GSA meetings, finally! I've missed every one of them the past two semesters. HA! One of the counselor's is a second in command of the GSA and she helped me with my schedule this semester and helped me understand that I need to do better or my Financial Aid could give me the boot.  BUT she said to me, "Oh, good! You can come to the meetings finally!!" Ah Renee, she cracks me up!

I'm striving to lose some weight (eat better/less and walk and lead to jogging), get a fucking job (i've been trying ALL winter), pass all my classes this semester and get my grade point average up,  at least get the beginning of my comic up and running and take the dogs on a daily walk.

K I've got a headache, and Im going to organize some thoughts...

<3

Oct. 18th, 2009

gios night sunglasses

The Sky Is Blue, Sun is Shining, Leaves are Fiery But Yet Still Sad

I guess I only have myself to blame but I still end up blaming others for why Im feeling this way.
I could name twenty things that I need to do and need to do NOW and maybe thats why I end up sitting around suppressing them so I can get everything straight. I tried the priority list, important things still get pushed to the bottom; things that will make me smile get pushed to the top.
Thats my problem.
I only  want to smile, I dont want to stress, get lonely, feel sad, feel burdened, feel useless, sluggish, unworthy, unwanted.
But somehow I always do.
Somewhere it read in the paper about internal pain, and I feel supremely guilty about sharing my woes when someone who was at least tertiarily related to me committed suicide recently. A superintendent of my former High School who was a ridiculously nice man. The school teachers were on strike for better insurance, more money to fund clubs and sports and a better quality for the school. But, in lieu of this Mr Harrison was going through a divorce and he was in the center of alot of things and for him to do such a thing blasted us away. Its been a very sad week, month for us Ottawans.
And totally, un-comparable but everyone has been having a shitty week.
Ive got a large speech due, tons of math to do and what am I doing? Sitting on DevArt and Livejournal complaining that Im sad.
*sigh*
It always starts with a fight.
I come home to silence in the homefront; thenwith the first step, and lock of the front door I hear words of anger. I hear my name and "SHE" this and "SHE" that. Its always about me, and I say this with a heavy heart not a flaunty conceitedness. I hate it, Im the cause of the fighting. always. I just want to exist but not exist. I want to do my own thing, read for hours, complete some art, do some math, write a speech, learn theatre and things about the environment. Watch some television, cook something fancy, pet the dogs and smile.
I dont smile very often, thats the downfall.
If I do Im away from home, laughing with friends; but is it really sincere laughter if everything else is sucking?
Am I pretending? Do I just babble on about little things just to do something with my mouth besides the frown or indifference?
God...is that the answer?!

Just when things get better, it nose dives. Mean looks resurface, impatience and anger bubble.
How come complacency and normality won't restore. Were we EVER happy? Will it ever be in our grasp?
Is it really because I don't do much around the house? Is it really because I occasionally leave the DVDs on top of the television and not put them away. Or leave the remainder of the silverware in the sink because the soap irritates the (FUCK) out of the psoriasis on my hands? Or maybe because I have some extra things lying around the house.
THIS is the source of so much anger that has grown against me "the slug"?

Im hurt.

I called my mother just to ask her a simple question about what class time I should take Math in next semester and she didn't answer her phone. (I know why, she was setting up for a dance, I understand that. What I dont understand is...)
When her voicemail responded instead I immediately was sad. Like heart plummeting, shoulder slumping, cozying in blankets sad.
I just wanted to hear her voice.
Im almost 21 years old why do I revert back to being so childish  in a time of need?

How come I cant just smile?

 

Aug. 28th, 2009

gios night sunglasses

GAWD I LOVE COMICS

READ THIS COMIC. Goodbye Chains.
I enjoyed it and spent the whole afternoon reading it.
AFTER I caught myself up with Vassalord, which is EQUALLY AMAZING!

The point of this post is to say that I am in some DIRE need for comics. I need to read more so I can learn and ALSO because I need some mindless, un-academic reading to keep myself SANE and well, occupied when I am not writing speeches and being a great student! *capt morgan*

And if any of you have ANY i MEAN any sugestions from online comics, to manga, anything please let me know.

ooh I LOVE to compile lists! 

Aug. 23rd, 2009

gios night sunglasses

Having One HELL of a time trying to write this speech...


so, dan gave me a week off of work so I could get started with my homework. Which I have! To a certain extent.  I've done all of my assigned Global Environment homework (except for read the chapter) and we havent had any hw in theatre cuz he cancelled the thursday class cuz he has laryngitus (sp?)  and math I have hw which Im going to do tomorrow.  BUT, today when everyone was wondering why I was sitting at the table watching television *rolls eyes* they were asking me what I was doing. And I said my speech, and tried to explain how I was stressing out about it. So, they were like so hat have you been doing ll week? And I have been doing my speech all week, Ive jsut been indecisive and everyhing I write is shit so I just throw it away... which yeah is pretty dumb but its was crap. i cannot give this assignment crap.
So, i need to type a few ideas don cuz writing them isnt helping much.  ((Ive been focusing TOO much on the 10 words and not on the speech))

Ive been asking myself for years how I've ended up like this. A few things to describe me, Too nice for my own good, polite, accepting, tolerant, creative, neurotic, porous. A few other things, impatient when angry, blocked and sort of messy. Yes, I just described to you a contradiction, and thats what I am; a walking, talking contradiction. No matter the topic I usually have strong opinons about both parties arguments, which probably explains why I am constantly asked to be a mediator in arguements. And its common, everybody has at least a couple personalities; the work personality, the friend personality and the family personality. And, its not being fake or putting on a show its still you but a you that changes to fit the situation. I can be the studious, book-worm kind in the day time and be that punk kid, moshing at a local show during the night time. The one who plays bags, hide-n-seek and guess that card-trick with the little children in my family.
And, really? How did I end up this way? I think I have a few people to blame and thank for how I turned out.
Firstly, my mother who did all she could so I would have a normal life after her and my father split up. I dont ever remember being unhappy in my childhood. Shes an inspiration to me for going through what she did and is the happy, put together person she is today. We have our bouts or arguing now and again but we get through it.
My mother's brother Uncle Herb has affected my life more than I can account here. When I was younger, I was terrified of him. At six-two he towered over me; picked and prodded me like an uncle should. At around the age of 7 I got over that pretty quickly. He lived at the edge of Boystown in Chicago, which seemed like another world to a seven year old. I remember going to the beach, making sandcastles with fanstic moats as deep as my bandaged knees. Smelling the charcoal grills cooking various meats with spices I'd never smelled before emitting from a Mediterranean restaurant down the street. Sure, I couldn't fully appreciate culture when I was 7 but I still loved to visit my uncle Herb! I went to visit him a few days before my 8th birthday, take your kid to work day I believe. I went to his work, met a woman who worked with my favorite band, at the time, the Backstreet Boys. I was enthused! We had tickets to see Mulan at the IMAX theatre, we lost trck of time and had to rush to the movie. My seven year old self had to run to catch up with my giant, briskly walking uncle and soon after we got inside to the escalator I was out of breath. My air ways constricted, the cold tearing at my lungs my wheezy raspy breath said to my Uncle, I cant breathe. And, we had a dilemma, I had left my inhaler at his condo and the show started in 2 minutes. Fast thinking Herb, bought us an extra large black coffee with sugar from Starbucks and we went in to see the movie. Herb reccounted later that 3/4s of the way of the movie he went to take a drink of the coffee, and it was gone. My seven year old self had drank the ENTIRE thing. And, that is the story of my caffeinne addiction.
Now to reinforce this, my uncle had introduced me to many new things over the years; the city, people, culture, art etc. I belive he helped me out of my shell little, by little. So, when I entered highschool, it was a whole new beast to be reckoned with. I don't know how it happened but, it did. There was a girl within the same highschool that looked very similar to me, and my freshman year people would come up to me and say "KATY!" and I'd turn around very confused when they'd grab my shoulder. We finaly met the summer of my sophomore year in drivers ed. We've been friends ever since.
She rocked my sheltered little world with her eccentric thrift store style, we dubbed her a "true" emo-kid, an original. Her vulgar yet, hilarious outbursts, her superb writing and music inspired me. The music she listened to not only filled my cd case but left me searching for more. She was interesting, invited me places I'd never been invited, I met people I never thought I'd meet. She brought me to local punk shows, parties (in which I felt out of place but went anyway). Where my love of punk rock started, the thril of loud pounding music, the way it felt to have the crowd move and jump as one massive ocean of singing, screaming fans. Katy took me to my first real concert at Warped Tour, before it became trendy. I remember being smashed, throttled by crowd surfers and turfed out of the way by moshers at My chemical Romance, Motion City Sundtrack, and Coheed and Cambria. Then, the local shows which turned out much better. Girls get to mosh and guys don't treat them like frail peices of porcelian. Moshers have an unwritten code, you fall down we pick you up, you lose a contact, glasses, wallet we cease all action and look for it. Thats the beauty of local shows, its more personal and good natured. There's no winners or losers, its all about the music and having fun. Even though Katy and I parted ways after highschool she still is an important factor in my life. We started hanging out again this winter and plan on attending many shows in the near future, next weekend to be exact.


conclusion pending

gios night sunglasses

Stupid Rantings About Inevitable Happenings


So, Danielle's 20th birthday was today. We were among the first people to arrive, Rory and I and the last of the them to leave.
Ive been thinking alot about relationships, life, death, happiness and sex.
I'm thinking Im ready for all of them, save for death. I think Im terrified of death, everytime I think about it I just sort of freeze up and wonder why I am alive, if I am happy and if I died tomorrow would I have lived a fulfilling life? I'm too young to be burdened by the darkness of death, so I will focus on things that I can deal with in the present, meaning the living of my life NOW.
There's no time for sadness and hate, theres only time for living life to its fullest.
Today, at Danielle's party she seemed happy, she drank and sang and danced and even though alot of her close friends in Chicago didnt come, she had a damn good time anyway! She's beautiful and smart and has a good personality. Shes having fun and living it up right now, if she can say shes happy then fine, let her do it!
A couple, friends of Danielle's from Chicago, came and yeah, the guy threw up on the carpet (and the girlfriend cleaned it up without puking, kudos girl!) but when he finally fell asleep next to his woman; they were all curled up together, his arm around her shoulders and nothing could have woken them from their slumber together.
Yeah, it was a drunken slumber but it was still sweet.

So, why am I still such a pussy about things?
Im too afraid to ask for a drink, or let alone just take one, ask for another date, talk to a guy Im interested in, take things further with a boyfriend, GIVE A FUCKING SPEECH, or just be happy with who i am?
I am beautiful, pretty, a good person so, why can't I feel like I am these things? 

I really think I should call Dan, but i dont want to use him to feel good about myself... I know I wouldnt USE him like THAT but, in a weird abstract way I would. I think we have alot in common, music wise. I have a bad feeling he was trying to hint about the Incubus song from Light Grenades, Oil and Water. "and oh, we've been trying to mix it up." oil and water DONT mix... maybe im just overreacting though...

*sigh* going to bed.

Aug. 16th, 2009

gios night sunglasses

SUCCESS! BANNING FAILURE!


hey! been totally ignoring this half of livejournal.
been posting like no ones business on macramed_effect so, go and read! 
Its all stuff I've had but the older one about monsters and stuff is new, plus new stuff on wizarding kind.
still needs alot of work but its still getting there! 
I am working on Liam Florentine Greenland's bio, Icabus Enneerg's bio, Dante Rosse Pierre's bio (finally) and a tad or Sebby Rouge and Cece Turner's bios. Also trying to get plot and stuff into order. Hopefully the first chapter will be up on dev. art soon?
-i do start school on Tuesday so hopefully that wont put a damper on my progress.
But, gotta go taking Zita to school tomorrow since she doesnt have a working car until tues or wed...
night!

Aug. 10th, 2009

gios night sunglasses

This May Sound Ridiculous But, I Want to Write a Memoir


I don't expect to become famous or anything, that'd be cool if it were ever published or anything. But, itd be interesting!
I was already plotting out some of the chapter names like Indulgent Apathetic Child, The Virgin Lesbian, Eating to Fill A Void and It Smells Like Plastic Dinosaurs Outside!, Dating Boy Wonder and such. I had an idea awhile ago about the title and cover of the book.
If i cannot fnd it i may name it "My Hair is As Big As A House, Gotta Love Humidity"
cuz im a dork like that, my life has been strange and i was feeling very reflective and needing to make sense of my childhood nd learn from the mstakes i have looked over. and i keep repeating them and not learning. and whats the point of mistakes if you cant learn from them?

I really was going to read some HP:DH before i went to bed so i could read the massive pile of books I checked out at the library today from the two trips i took.... But ended up talking with Nathan and Minty. Nathan about possible art options and him moving on with his life whether or not his parentssupport the idea or not. and Kyle basically about how the Oasis service SUCKS and about how Greenday are fucking media whores and absolute tools.

okay, im feeling ridiculously sick so im going to bed.

before i go these're the books i got,
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures of the Culinry Underbelly - Anthony Bourdain
Mythology and You
The Devil on Trail: Witches, Anarchists, Communists, and Terrorists in America's Courtroom
One Hundred: A Guide to the Peices Every Stylish Woman Must Own - Nina Garcia
The Girl's Guide to Absolutely Everything
Starting Out: The Essential Guide to Cooking on Your Own
Art Against the Odds: From Slave Quilts to Prison Paintings

Im finishing the hp book first, then the bourdain, then the books with the most pictures in them. then the style ones.
kk bed!
ughhh i feel like shit.

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